Exciting Times!

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1. I had an idea, it came to me about an hour ago. A medieval world in which technology is evolving faster than the peolpe can take. Please can you have a look at my prologue:

   Prologue:

   King Fabian looked out over the castle grounds with a mixture of joy and apprehension. The changes he had wrought since succeeding to the throne had been phenomenal. The advances in sciences and medicine, weaponry and defence lead to a world where you never knew what would come next.
   Looking down from his vantage point on the grounds before him he saw jousting contests, the men charging each other with their electric charged lances. He saw new factories among the rolling hills of the country. Cities were expanding at an alarming rate, and new territories must be won before too long.
   All the things to do, and all so new, so innovative. All down to him. There were some people, he knew, who despised him for it. They did not feel comfortable with the rapid changes in the understanding of the world. Religious leaders especially refused to embrace the new times, fearing that all the new knowledge of how the world worked would drive away believers and leave no room for a religious foundation. He could understand their worries but thought nothing of it.
   He heard the door that opened to the top of the keep open. He tensed, and then untensed, he was getting paranoid it was just a familiar face nothing more sinister.

   Down on the ground the jousting stopped. Not for any reason of its own but because a body had just fallen off the keep of the castle. Someone screamed. The panic set in. Their King was dead.

   Comment by Dan — July 17, 2009 @ 1:34 am

2. Not bad at all, Dan. I like the idea, though I might have opened the story slightly differently. Who is the main character? The murderer? Or have we not met them yet? Remember that readers generally begin reading a story hoping to find an exciting story with characters who they can cheer on and empathise with. I hardly had a chance to begin with the King before he was dead. I’d recommend you consider seeing the death of the King through the eyes of one of your main protagonists - good guy, or bad - it doesn’t matter which. I hope that makes sense.

   Comment by Mark Robson — July 17, 2009 @ 11:17 am

3. Test two:

   Prologue:

   He was going to do it, he was certain of that now. The king had taken it to far and must be stopped. Stopped at all costs.
   As he made his way through the castle grounds the would-be killers resolve hardened. To see the destruction wrought by this power hungry, technology obsessed, tyrant made him feel physically sick. The factories springing up across the kingdom, belching their foul pollutants into the atmosphere seemed strangely at odds with the old fgamiliar view of knights of the order going about their business. It was as if the technology was moving so fast that the world and its people simply could not keep up. This was why he was going to kill the king.
   Their was a jousting contest nearby, two knights running at each other with the new electric lances, meant to knock-out not maim. Destroying the honour of competing in the games. Certainly the crowd was less than its usual fiery self, with many people not turning up to this prestigious contest.
   He was in the castle now. He had no reason to sneak around, he was known well about the place.
   The King was watching the jousting contest from a keep high up in the castles main keep, that is where he would go. As he made his way there the first twinges of doubt tickled his mind, wanting to be heard. He didn’t let them. He knew what he must do. He came to the top of the keep to a large oak door, heaved it open and walked through the door.
   The king turned and looked at him, “Hello, John. What brings you up here?”
   The man did not reply, instead he pushed him off the keep.
   The jousting stopped abruptly. Something had just fallen from the keep. No, someone had just fallen from the keep. The someone screamed. The panic set in. King Fabian was dead.

   Comment by Dan — July 17, 2009 @ 7:49 pm

4. Better, Dan. There are a couple of typos that are easily fixed, but I still have one real qualm - the matter of fact way that he pushes the King from the Keep. How does he feel as he kills the King? I’d like to know what’s going through his mind as he does it. Does the King cry out as he’s pushed? Does John see the look of realisation in Fabian’s eyes? It’s a pivotal moment in the story and as such the reader wants to see and feel the detail. This is one instant that should be crystal clear in the reader’s mind. You can mislead the reader if you wish, but at such an important event, the reader will want all the nitty gritty details.

   Comment by Mark Robson — July 17, 2009 @ 11:07 pm

5. my idea is 2 worlds, living side by side, but clueless about each other, and have only heard tales of this other world. one world is of stone age, and have developed secret forces not to be shared by ancestors, another is a world alike the one we live in today. a rip in the darcuss (the barrier stopping people cross to the other world) has allowed a lost clan from the stone age to wander into the modern world. as friendships are made, prophecies are discovered, and an evil knot, stronger than the darcuss is made between the 2 worlds, to bring chaos and disruption to the balance that the worlds sit on.
   Only the children of the unlink can break the knot…

   Comment by stephen — July 24, 2009 @ 9:54 am

6. here is my prologue:
   Tanek was scared. He always was when he delivered bad news to the lord of the dark realm. He had seen the temper he displayed at the informants at a small piece of failure. Sometimes his anger caused the collapse of the messenger. Tanek would be destitute without his job.
   Nevertheless, he knew that he’d be more likely to lose his job if he didn’t tell his lord, so he took a deep breath, and marched into the hall of the dark realm.
   Tanek always wondered how the dark lord had created such a magnificent hall. The blood red carpet stretched up to his lord’s throne. Jet black walls rose up soaring. But the one thing that impressed Tanek most of all, was the roof. a glance up, and you would see a magnificent sight. Two worlds, with vines from each one stretching out and touching the other one. A small, barely visible barrier was in between them, blocking them from grabbing each other.
   Tanek walked forwards, nervously shaking until he stopped, in front of the throne, fell to his knees and said ‘Hail, Lord of the Dark realm! I bring unfortunate news from your assassins!’
   The robed figure of the dark lord appeared on the throne out of thin air.
   ‘What news, informer?’ replied the sinister voice of the dark lord.
   ‘My lord, the assassins were sucessful in killing the family, but the baby was n-nowhere to be found. One of the g-guards claimed seeing an old man g-grab the baby and… and run off,’
   The dark lord paused, and Tanek could feel the fury build up in his leader. Suddenly, the fury vanished.
   ‘No matter,’ said the dark lord.’We have locations of some others, too. We only need kill one. Dismiss!’
   And with that, Tanek bowed and hastened out of the hall. The dark lord watched him go, then turned to a group of ten, all in red robes. ‘It is time, my Satuens,’ they all vanished.
   They reappeared in a small room. A large table, with a green emerald in the middle, was surrounded by eleven chairs. Everyone took a chair, and watched the dark lord for the order. ‘It is time,’he repeated. ‘Let the ripping of the darcuss comence!’
   The emerald shone brighter than the sun for a second, and then turned pure black.

   hope u like it :)

   Comment by stephen — July 24, 2009 @ 10:52 am

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